1 Sep 2015

linzeestyle: (Default)
 I've had a stress headache for the last solid 36 hours.  I put my Tumblr on indefinite hiatus: somewhere in the reblogging of that post I deeply regret making, and in true Tumblr fashion, someone deleted my original response to the anon who had begun the conversation, and instead took a small portion of my reply and quoted it out of context in favor of attacking "the old people" who are "whining" about how fandom used to be.  I cannot even explain to you the many twisted, bizarre, nonsensical directions that post took from there: the desire for text-based crossposting is classist, racist, ableist (I...worked in Disability Resources for four years, and I desperately want someone to explain how GIFs are more accessible than screen-reader accessible text), pick your poison.  The very act of using text-based platforms is an elitist, clique-based enterprise and (actual phrasing) tumblr is an anarcho-socialist subculture that allows for universal equality regardless of whether or not you're contributing!

I can't handle this.  I'm tired.  Tumblr is exhausting to me,  like trying to follow a Donald Trump stump speech.  More and more I find myself beginning to plan out a fic idea, and then stopping to think, "there's no point in this," and moving on.  Which of course is no problem, as I was reminded in one of the last reblogs I saw before I deleted everything but my fanart and blocked myself out of Tumblr (I have a week to decide if I'm deleting or not): 'every time some whiny old fan leaves we're just going to get two new better ones anyway.'

I'm tired of doing backflips trying to justify what I want, because frankly, I'm tired of the nonsense idea that Tumblr and its obsession with "squads" is somehow different from the groups of friends that Tumblr seems to think were "elitist cliques" in text-based formats.  All I want is a small community of fandom friends that I can get excited about fandom with.  I want to be able to talk about fic ideas - to bounce weird ones off of, to work through plot points I'm stuck on, to be told "no that's a terrible idea" or "no that works" and to do the same in kind when they need it.  I want to have fandom friends I can text terrible vid ideas to or ridiculous headcanons.  I want to have friends I can ask to beta.  I want to have fandom friends who will dare me to do ridiculous things I wouldn't otherwise.  I want to actually have a community.

I need to step away for a while and regroup, I think.  Decide if this is a hobby that's worth fighting for, if it's something that genuinely causes me this much strife.  Because at this point I think the only way I could create of Tumblr a useful experience would be to use it exclusively as a content dump: I'd also need to remove roughly half the blogs on my dash currently, and I don't think I'm ready for the unpleasantness that would ensue from that either.  I don't know.  This is what I mean by missing that community.  I need help figuring out how to fix this for myself.  Fandom and fan creatives have been my primary hobby over half my life.  I hate the idea of losing it, but i don't feel as though it's optional, anymore.

I'm just frustrated.  I remain frustrated.  This too shall pass.

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