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I've noticed Tumblr seems to be getting slower and slower, the last month or so. I don't follow many people, and those I follow are long-term FIAWOL types which, admittedly, likely has something to do with it, but in the last few weeks it seems as though not only are the people I've followed for years posting less, if at all, but the posts I'm seeing on my dash have fewer notes. It used to be unheard of for a Supernatural gifset to cross my dash with under 500 notes, and now it seems standard that they slow-to-stop at 300, 400.

Have we moved? Did we consciously leave and no one told me?

I've been thinking a lot about how to fix my fandom experience. Right now I've checked out entirely but for my twitter, which I like a lot in that it's conversation, but wish I had more people to talk to. But the biggest loss for me is still the community aspect of fandom. Tumblr certainly never had it. But I do miss it a lot.

This last week, I've been tweaking and working on my old website, linzeestyle.com, trying to develop more of a blog setup using Wordpress. It's alright, but I'm not sure it's the best place for fanfic. I don't feel comfortable with AO3. The extent to which the cold-culture associated with AO3 (and the general change in fandom demographics, I suspect) has been terrible for me mentally. A couple of weeks ago I spoke to my dissertation director, and broke down crying, admitting to him I'm terrified my writing has hit its ceiling: that I won't be able to get anything published, that I won't be able to get a job because of it, that I'll be trapped in this kind of limbo at ASU as a result. I've lost confidence in my real life work as a result of so much time spent working on my "hobby" writing and seeing it disappear into a void of silence. He gave me advice I'm trying to take to heart: that if something is causing me that much stress, I'm paying to do it. It doesn't matter if no money is involved; it's still costing me something. And in this case, it's more than I can afford.

I'm still terrified my writing has hit its ceiling. That it won't be good enough; that the silence I'm meeting in fandom is a reflection of the limits of my potential in real life, too. It's scaring me to death. And that disappoints me because writing fanfic was so important to developing my writing skills. Having beta readers; commentary and feedback; discussion and revision. The environment I'm left in, I don't have fannish friends left to read my work anymore. Writing in a bubble has never been healthy, whether it's for a hobby, or for "work" (or the hope of finding it).

At any rate. Have we moved? Has everyone found an alternative to Tumblr, or am I just watching as others slowly give up and leave fandom as well?

And more to the point, *waves* -- hello. I need to get better at using this again.
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Shameful admission. For as much as I hate the fetishization of the printed text, I get really excited about first editions. Not in the "obsessive hoarder of expensive books" way - I'm a grad student, not Nic Cage here. But my favorite game is going on Amazon and trawling by year and publisher to find random first editions for cheap because no one but me cares. Today I was super excited to get this in the mail:



This is definitely one of those "no one cares but me" moments, but this is the first edition of Gertrude Stein's "Geographies and Plays" from 1922. This book has seen some shit man.

I have about one thousand things I need to be doing right now to start my summer. These things include:

-making audio books for my actual job, which I work at and pays me.

- writing my dissertation (I need to revise an already-written piece into a final chapter, and write what will be my theoretical introduction/first chapter)

-write a book review on a book of Gertrude Stein's letters for my mentor which is totally no pressure at all because I'm apparently the only graduate student doing this in a bunch of actual real-life professors and also my mentor still scares the crap out of me. He is literally one of my favorite people, but he terrifies me in that way where only someone who has known you since you were 19 can terrify you once you've reached the age to understand just how embarrassing you were at that age.

-anything but what I am actually doing, which is:

-making the Lord King Bad Vid of my heart and soul. I am so sorry, except I'm not. Literally the only way this could get more id-tastic was if I made a fanvid to "Ever the Same" (I promise: I will never make a fanvid to ever the same. BRAVE LIKE SOLDIERS.)

I absolutely have my priorities in order.

Speaking of, though! I am dusting off my DW/Livejournal in a concentrated effort to post more often: let's start with three days a week. Because I think it's good for my emotional/mental health, and because I desperately miss fandom as an interactive experience. So, in the interest of doing so, here is how I spent my Extended Summer Vacation:

-I got back into fandom with a brief foray into the Avengers fandom! I suppose technically I am still in this fandom, but honestly, I've never been able to stay long in Joss Whedon fandoms. I do consider myself to be in the 616 fandom though. Largely Steve/Tony, though I managed to crap out 90% through a 23k fic and will never, ever finish anything in that fandom because:

-HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WAS A GREAT IDEA? Over spring break I got caught up on Supernatural! You know when I last watched SPN regularly? Before bandom hit. This one I honestly blame Tumblr for, because seriously there were 48 hours straight where In That Moment, I Swear Every Blog Was a Destiel Blog. In all seriousness though, that freaking crypt scene was literally my entire dash for so long. And then my exams were upon me and I was stressed out and I already had seasons 1-7 on my hard drive (don't worry about it), so I just started where I left off and marathoned four seasons in two weeks.

Don't do that, by the way. I'm pretty sure I angered god. You know what I want though? An XF/SPN crossover fic. I'd write it, but I'm honestly not sure how that would work - if it would be best set in present day XF continuity (in which case you'd have to admit I Want to Believe happened, and is anyone ready for that?), or would you want to pull Mulder and Scully up a decade, in which case they would almost certainly end up either hunting Dean and Sam, or running the same case. I think I like the former, though XF2 can we not.

Crossposted from http://linzee.dreamwidth.org/2535.html?mode=reply - comment here, or at Dreamwidth!

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